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In
the late 1980s, after I quit my corporate job and stayed home
to care for my two infant sons, I picked up writing again—a
short story here, an essay there, whatever I could steal from
an unpredictable and fragmented schedule. Just at that time,
I was
asked to help edit a community-based Chinese publication. Inaugurated
in the late 1970s, this variety monthly was staffed completely
by volunteers. Being a literary snob, I did not at first take
the job very seriously. To me, it was no more than a do-good ‘community
service’ project. But little did I know that this journal,
unsophisticated as it was, would turn out to be instrumental
not only in the formation of the current St. Louis Chinese Writers’ Association,
but also would launch vibrant and long-lasting writing careers
for some of the people involved. Several members of the group—Shulan
Li, Jian-Wen Huang, and Huey-Shen Shieh—first started writing
seriously while contributing to this journal.
The journal also
served as a ready forum for veteran writers to have their Chinese
writings published. At the time, Chinese
resources
being so limited in Midwest, getting a piece of Chinese writing
published could be daunting and time-consuming. Before the
age of internet
and e-mail, it always involved slow international mailing because
the only publication opportunities were on the other side of
the ocean. So for Mimi Chou Huang, a well-published writer of
children’s
literature and feature writings in Taiwan before coming to St.
Louis, the journal was a vital means for her to continue writing.
For a
person like me whose last short story was published more than ten
years ago, the journal also provided a timely structure and support
for my return to creative writing. Flipping through the pieces
I have written for the journal, I realize that several of those
I still
like would not have appeared had it not been for the journal.
More
importantly, the journal was a natural binding force for this
group of individuals who had shared interests in writing and
literature
and who could readily commiserate with each other for having
to write in the heartland of a country with cultures and languages
so different
from the ones in which they were born and raised. Even when the
journal eventually folded for lack of funds, the friendships
remained,
and
the group has persisted as an informal community.
Six years ago,
when Shulan Li and Connie Fu decided to form a St. Louis Chapter
of the North American Chinese Writers’ Association—a
Taiwan-based global network for Chinese writers all over the
world—there
was a pre-existing group, and membership expanded to include
new-comers from mainland China. The organizational meeting
was held at the Bristol
restaurant in West County. There I met Qiu Xiaolong for the
first time and a much treasured friendship ensued. Xiaolong,
a poet
and translator from Shanghai, not yet widely published in this
country,
was teaching and translating at the time. From that point on,
we witnessed the explosion of his writing career in this country,
and
shared the joy, pride, and amazement of his Cinderella-like
story. One of the most memorable moments in this group’s
history was when Xiaolong told us that his first novel, Death
of a Red
Heroine,
had been accepted for publication: disbelief and happiness
written all over his face, and pride on ours. Now supported
solely by
his writing, he is that rare phenomenon of a writer who finds
success
writing in his second language.
Since the establishment of our
organizational affiliation, more members joined and our activities
became more organized.
Two
issues of a
Chinese literary journal, Confluence, were published, featuring
writings by members and other overseas Chinese authors. A
bi-weekly literary
section is being put out in the St. Louis Chinese Journal,
a Chinese newspaper published weekly. We also meet regularly
to
talk about
our own writings or to discuss selected literary works. This
year the group started the process of incorporation as a
non-profit organization
in Missouri. Our vision is to publish a bilingual literary
journal, featuring translations as well as original Chinese
and English
writings.
I myself have been writing intermittently
throughout these years when writing had to play second fiddle
to my duties
as a mother.
Thanks to this group of friends who have become increasingly
important in my life, I have never completely dropped writing.
But in the
last few years, I found it harder and harder to write in
Chinese, not
only because the language is no longer a living thing in
my life, but also because my readings are now exclusively
in English.
I have caught myself going through a ‘translation’ process
more and more whenever I write in Chinese. My writing projects
are now
mostly constructed in English and I am thinking more in
English than in Chinese. Paradoxically, my mother tongue
has become
strangely ‘artificial’ and ‘contrived’ in
my current linguistic existence. It was during a book translation
project for a publisher in Taiwan that I truly realized
how my written Chinese has deteriorated to a dysfunctional
level:
a typical immigrant’s
story. Once I ceased lamenting the loss, I decided to embrace
the inevitable and start writing in English. First, I was
exhilarated
by the freedom and the newness of writing in a different
language. But when the daily wrestling with words became
routine, I realized
that a second language would be forever like a pair of
plastic gloves, preventing ultimate deftness, this ‘limitation’ being
part of the cost exacted for my newly acquired identity.
But
even after this switch of writing language, support from
the Chinese writers’ group is still vital to me.
Although I do not always present my writings to them,
I find their company stimulating
and nourishing. Other than the writerly camaraderie valued
by any writing group, the bonding within this group runs
even deeper.
Ambivalent feelings of choosing between two homelands,
two cultures, two languages,
and the constant tension between embracing our own heritage
and resisting being pigeonholed into a narrow ethnic
role are the common
undercurrents
in our psyches, although they are manifest in very different
forms in the diverse choices members within this small
group have made
with regard to their writing languages and their identities
as writers. Ultimately, it is more the fluidity of identity
and the
understanding
of it that is the true source of this support we afford
each other as fellow writers who experience the singular
duality first hand.
Leslie Su Cheng, writer, is a member
of St. Louis Chinese Writers’ Association.
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